The iPhone 5: Why Don’t I Have One?

Do you live under a rock? Are you Amish? Is it 1998 where you’re reading this? Those would be reasons why you don’t know about what’s coming. The iPhone 5 is coming. That’s what. There’s nothing anyone can do to stop it. The line of iOS products has taken over the consumer electronics industry. They’ve set the bar for customer satisfaction and brand recognition. They’re destroying all comers in mind-share and in functionality. And they’re making hordes of Android fans furious, every time their name is brought up. Specifically because people like me keep talking about them as though they’re a way of life and not just a piece of Chinese plastic. I understand their pain. Mockup of the iPhone 5

That there is the iPhone 5. Everything that was wrong about the iPhone 4 has been erased and done better. Thinner, lighter, smoother, and rumor has it, bigger. Why don’t I have one? Because the damn thing doesn’t exist, that’s why. Will that be the new iPhone? There’s tens of thousands of people on this planet that are able to keep secrets pretty darn well, because the rest of us have no idea. That picture there is just a guess. Let’s break it down.

Rounded Back
The iPhone 4 is very rectilinear. Squared-off edges and slightly rounded corners are attractive, but they don’t don’t feel great in your hand. Apple had this right with the iPod, and early iPhone models, but the need for a new design pushed their industrial designers in a direction that some find to be regrettable. The iPhone 5 looks like it’s going to fall in like with the iPod and the iPad 2 with a sleek, rounded back that fits comfortably in the hand. Does it sit flat on a table? Nope. That’s a serious problem that Apple will have to…wait I’ve just been told nobody gives a crap if their phone lays flat on a table.

Larger Screen
Lots of folks complain that the iPhone screen is a David in a sea of Goliaths. I don’t know why David and Goliath would ever be in the sea together, but the point is that the phone is considered small by some. I think the phone is the perfect size, but I have big hands and even bigger eyes so would a larger screen be ok with me? You betcha.

8 Megapixel Camera
When I was a kid, a digital camera weighed 400 lbs and it barely fit in the back of a Chrysler. I have no idea if that’s true. What I do know is that the SLR I bought a year or so ago is 12 Megapixels, so the fact that phones are catching up is worth a mention. 8 Megapixels is somewhere in the neighborhood of 3840 x 2160 which, at 300 dpi, would be more than a foot wide and seven inches tall. That’s downright respectable. Some stories refute the rest of the design claims I’ve made above, but reinforce this bit.

Wider Home Button
This is something I really really need. My home button is being destroyed on my 3GS. After more than two years of using this phone for an hour a day or more non-stop, it barely works. My enormous meat-hook of a thumb has just beaten the poor little devil into submission. Gimme a bigger home button. Give me a bigger home button. What do I want? A bigger home button. When do I want it? I want it when I’m given the iPhone 5.

The new operating system that will run on the iPhone 5 has dozens of important improvements to it which make me drool. Some voice recognition stuff. Twitter integration. iMessage. Reminders. Rich text formatting. Wi-Fi sync. Reading list in Safari. Crazy, crazy stuff. Why, why, why don’t we have this thing yet? It’s been so long. It’s been so, so long since a new phone was released.

But there’s hope. October 4th is supposedly the date of the next Apple media event where they’re going to unveil the iPhone 5. They’re doing this, not at the Yerba Buena Center for the Arts where they’ve held past events of this nature, but at Apple’s own headquarters in Cupertino. Is that some kind of statement? I don’t know. But I’ve got a statement for Apple: Offer me a redesigned iPhone and I will purchase it…or Maple Syrup doesn’t flow through the Pope’s veins like wind chimes in a tornado.

P.S. Steve Jobs will be missed by nerds and un-nerds world-wide. This guy knew how to do it. I hope you’re OK Steve. I hope you’re ok. Tim Cook has big shoes to fill.


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